Being Screwed-Up versus A Screw Up

There is a difference between being screwed up and being a screw up. Some would claim it is a matter of tense and an article in front, but is more than this. They actually mean two different things. Though they may be related there is some major differences. There are times when being screwed up and being a screw up go hand in hand, however there are times when a person is one or the other.

Being screwed up:

Things can be screwed up in a person’s life. Their family can be more than dysfunctional. Life just can’t seem to go right shattering or skewing dreams. Views on the world can change harshly as reality gets darker and harsher. On and on, I could go.

Being A Screw up:

A screw up is a person who has given up. They stop trying to change their screwed up reality. They sit back with their bitter view of the world being harsh and analytical. They often become hypocritical in this by pointing out the wrongs of another, yet doing nothing with the ills in their life. On and on, I could go.

My life is on the screwed up end of things, but I am not a screw up. There was a time that I came close, but those years are far behind me. All might life things have been rather messed up. I lived in an abusive home. Over a period of more than ten years my conception of reality and the norm was wrapped. My dreams were shattered. Nothing I ever did ever seemed to be good enough to the people around me. I was picked on mercilessly. But I was never a screw up and to this day I refuse to be identified as such.

Yes, I suffer from depression. It is true that there are periods where I lose more battles than I win; yet I still manage to do what I need to do for myself at the end of the day. Against all odds, I am putting myself through college despite all the obstacles that have been and are being placed in front of me. Not only am I succeeding in going to college; yet my grades are beyond grade. I will not settle for anything less than my best. If I was a screw up, I would not be in college and I certainly would not be working my ass off.

I bought my own car and I pay my own rent. I keep food on my table. It is a struggle some days, however, I manage. I hate the feeling of barely eking by, but I know one day I will come out on top.

I am insecure. I have my issues with touch; yet, my religious beliefs have changed something I was so terrified and leery of to something potentially beautiful. Though I will not touch member of the opposite sex over the age of nine by religious choice, I no longer shy away from proximity. I have learned the value of no shrinking back to shake hands, accepting a hug from a guy who does not know or understand this aspect of observance in me, or the occasionally high five. See, the one thing about being from the secular world, converting and choosing to be shomer negiah “Protect” or “Guard” and “Touch” is that some expect a physical response. One of concept attached to being shomer negiah is not to embarrass the other person. Some do not hold this, however I do. I will not cause another harm when it will not cause me harm. Do I actively seek out touch? No. However, when situations where it would be wrong of me not to shake a person’s hand no longer terrifies the hell out of me. At first I though, my heart felt I was using it hide behind and protect me from my fears, but in truth it has strengthened me. Are my issues with touch messed up or screwed up? Yes, but that does not make me a screw up.

No matter how screwed up things get, I still remain true to myself and my ducted taped dreams. One day, I will be a published writer. I need to get over my fear of rejection, but I still write. In fact, I post here on this blog my thoughts, feelings and views of the world. There is also another blog that hosts my poetry. One day I will see my work bound and on bookshelves. The day will come in its time when it is meant to be.

Keeping myself above water. Hell, I end up treading water a great deal, but all of this that I do, it is so I never ever become a screw up. I may make horrible mistakes. I may screw up royally, but I keep trying to learn and correct my mistakes. That value alone keeps me from be a screw up. Screw ups do not bother learning or growing. I refuse to stop. One day, I will be health, happy and all my dreams that I value will happen. There will always be screwed up things in my life. Everyone has those screwed up things, but no one should settle for being a screw up. We can make our worlds better. We can learn from the things we screw up. We can be what we dream ourselves or want ourselves to be. All we need to do is keep trying. For the moment we stop fighting for it, stop doing battle; that is when we become a screw up.

Fallen Angel