Depression and Suicide (post #1)

We all know what it is like to feel depressed. Where nothing we seem to do is going right. We feel miserable. We don’t want to talk to friends or hang out or play games. We feel sad and grumble and, in general, pissed off at the world. There are many things we feel when we are depressed. Now imagine that emotion becoming a permanent state of being. Not fun.

I live in a state of depression and have for more years that I can truly count. I have spent nights on the edge of a suicide, though given the fact that I am writing now, I did not manage to carry out and succeed. I have spent some nights on the rocky side of doubt, frustration, pain, and morbid inclination. There are many moments where I rather have the peaceful surrender to death. The only reason for this is the fact that the pain is just so frickin’ unbearable. Yet, I value life.

I value it highly, not because it means the world to me, but because it means the world to my friends and certain family members. Despite my depression, I am a functional member of society. I can help people even though I cannot completely help myself. In helping others, I know I am helping myself. I help myself because I gain worth as a person in the eyes of others. My self esteem sucks, or should say is greatly lacking. I do not find myself to be beautiful or attractive, I am intellectually, though I know I am smart, but I am not brilliant. I am just there.

In my world, there is no commitment beyond the one flickering flame of hope in which I cling. I have faith in Gd. I have always had that. Nothing else can hold me. Sadly, not even my promises to my friends not to do something stupid. Nor my inability to cause another person to be in pain because of my action or myself can truly hold me from that edge of reckless abandonment. There is no one and no thing that can hold me beyond my faith in My Gd. This bond that keeps us, those that live in a state of depression, constantly reaching out and trying is different, yet means the world to us. Without it, we would find a way to leave this world for another or be able to obtain the serene peace that is death, the pure ability to be out of pain.

Now, it brings sadness when I hear someone has taken their own life, that they lost their connection, their battle. People speak in disbelief as how could this happen? He/She was such a good kid, got good grades, never made trouble…ect. They have trouble placing themselves in the other person’s shoes and feeling what they were feeling. See, I am sad, because I have been there. There is no disbelief or how could so and so do such a thing. I know what it is like to stand in that moment; that last leap to reconnect to the world.

I was a good student. I was responsible. I participated in school activities and I did my chores. I took care of things. Reason stands that I should have left this world about ten or so years ago. However, by some fluke or perhaps a miracle, I am still here. Yet, I live in a constant haze of depression. Some days, I push through the haze to a point where depressed is only a fleeting emotion. This can last for several days, weeks, and even a handful of months. However, I never seem to keep my head above water for long. I keep plodding through in hopes that things will get better, that I might find the door out, that is if there is a door, but until then I am in my own little world where few are allowed to do more than visit for a short while with me.

Fallen Angel