Power of Prayer (part 1)

Some people don’t put much stock in prayer or a higher power. Well, I do. I know Gd has a certain thing for me. Gd prefers me alive for some reason and in a position to help people despite the fumbling I have in my own life or the lack of energy. For some reason, I seem to have just enough strength and endurance to do what needs to be done. Sometimes I make mistakes. Occasionally the mistakes turn out to be blessings all the same.

I firmly believe in Gd and I firmly believe in the power of prayer. I truly believe that prayer can save lives and change things. I have seen it happen enough with my own two eyes. So, yes, I have seen miracles. Also, I have heard my friends speak of the miracles brought on by prayer.

Connecting to my two previous posts on depression and suicide, I wish to speak briefly on a miracle connected here. About ten years ago, I tried to take my life, twice. The first time I tried to suffocate myself. I freaked. I fought bitterly clawing at the restricting piece of cord tied tightly around my throat. I sent a prayer up and somehow I managed to get myself free before I could black out. This happened under the two-minute mark, but felt like an eternity.

The second time, I took enough painkillers to kill a person. At the time due to migraines, constantly being sick and under stress, I was addicted to them. So, wanting to be permanently out of pain, I downed a bottle. I woke up in a haze. I knew I shouldn’t have. The only thing I remember is one distinct word that I heard in the darkness. It was an emphatic “NO”. I woke up feeling really sick, and then fell into a dreamless sleep. I wasn’t meant to die either time. It is a miracle I am alive and each day despite the evil that often plagues it is a blessing, simply because I am alive.

Even when there seems to be no hope, there is plenty of it. Often times it just takes a prayer to open a door or a window.

Moving on, that was not what I wished to focus on. Recently, I broke up with my boyfriend. I was having difficulty being in a relationship because of my depression. I needed to be free to fix myself. It hurt to leave a man I loved so dearly, but knew that I could not devote myself completely too. I wanted to lose the boyfriend, but keep my best friend, which at the time of the break up didn’t seem to be possible. However, I prayed. I prayed a lot for him to find peace and understanding. I also prayed that he would remain my friend, because despite my inability to be a good girlfriend or a committed girlfriend, I could be a committed friend.

My friendships cannot be shattered, or I should say, it takes an act of Gd to do so. Once a person is my friend they remain that way, at least in my heart. I have little control over another’s heart in such a manner.

I did not want to lose my friend, nor did I want him to be in pain. There was nothing but prayer that I could do about it. That is what I did. I prayed. Then, after shabbos, I get the message that he wanted to be my friend after all. I sent a prayer of thanks up to Gd.

A couple days later, I received an e-mail. I debated whether I was ready to read it or not. I initially decided that, I did not want to read it. Then about ten minutes later, I just opened it. I felt compelled. I am very glad I read it because he needed me to read it and respond. I respond with a rather long e-mail, nowhere near my longest e-mail lengths, but long enough. In addition to sending the e-mail, I notified him through aim that I replied to his e-mail. I did not want something to hang a couple days when it was clear to me that he needed to hear or read my words, not be given a message through a friend. After writing that e-mail we talked through. It made me happy to be able to talk to him and hear his words from him. We agreed on being friends and somehow shook online.

Now, I cannot attest to how much of the break-up resolution could be accounted for because of prayer. Both my ex-boyfriend and I tend to keep daily prayers with Gd. I cannot speak for him, but it seems to me that he would turn to Gd when things are not going well for guidance or relief. I want to say that prayer and mindfulness of Gd had a great deal to do with how things turned out.

Fallen Angel