The Affects of Change

In life, changes are made on a regular basis regardless of the intention. Every decision that is made affects a person’s life. What one eats today will affect the nutrition, health and body of that person. This is a small change and one where the affects are not seen until later when the person is wondering how the heck they put on 15 pounds.

There are instant changes made by a split second decision or a decision that was agonized over. It can be as simple as taking scissors to one’s hair and cutting off a fair amount. In the past I have cut 11 inches or more off the length of my hair and donated it to Locks of Love. My long hair disappeared to a cut shoulder length do. Instant change is possible. Sometime it is positive like my donating my hair or something negative like the car accident and so forth.

People like to make big changes or even small changes slowly in order to not overload themselves. These people make a small chain of changes in order to reach their intended goal. However, some people are like me. They like to make several changes at once.

I am a rather indecisive person. I don’t like to make decisions. I could care less what I eat for dinner so long as I eat a meal. When asked to a movie, I do not really care what movie I go to see. Yet, when I make a decision, I make big changes in my life.

Within a month or two, I went back to school. I cut my hair short donating my lovely long locks to Locks of Love. I moved out away my parent’s jurisdiction. I started hanging out with friends, where I lead a solitary life. These are big changes in a very short period of time. I had to adjust to being a student again and I had to set up home. I had to learn how to take care of myself and interact with my peers again. It was a great deal in a small amount of time, which meant it required quite a bit of balancing. I was busy, drew back from some of my pre-existing activities to be able to cope with the new.

Recently, there was another series of significant changes. My father was in the hospital with a heart problem. He was sick enough that Doctors couldn’t figure out why he was still alive. My mother took a day trip to the ER because of heat stroke. I was finishing the last class of my associates and working on a ton of paperwork for my new school that I started this week. I am leaving a job I have worked at as staff and a volunteer for nearly 16 years of my life. Tomorrow, I say goodbye to the last thread of my past by leaving my safe job and moving on. On Friday, I start a new job as an assistant teacher. It is exciting and new, but it is also something that I will struggle a time to master. In the weeks to come, I will be volunteering as a Teen Councilor. I have helped advise people before, but now my words will have weight and a direct affect people’s lives.

I do not seem to make small life changes, nor do I take them one at a time. It unbalances me some. There is a time of calibration in order to balance things. It is not easy cutting or saying goodbye to the past and welcoming in the future. The middle ground of the present shifts a little like a teeter-totter. Time is at a premium. I don’t have the time I used to talk to people or write. I don’t have the ability to deal with other people’s stress. When overwhelmed, I go into self-protection mode until I can deal with what I have placed on my plate.

I have learned that life changes in my life make it harder for me to help other people with their life simple because I am not stable. This unstable stress has me fighting nasty migraines at times. Anyone adding stress to my life or trying to force me to do something that I cannot do for one reason or another, I walk away from them in order to avoid pain. I come back eventually, sometimes it takes months or years to move back to a place where I can handle or interact with certain people or places.

I think we all do this. As we go alone our path, the friends we have change or the places we hang out change. What we value tends to change as well. It isn’t a matter of abandonment. It is a matter moving in different direction of life’s path.

Each of us walks our own path. Sometimes during this walk, we walk together with friends and family. At others we walk it alone or with other people. People cross each other’s paths infrequently or frequently depending upon the respective paths. There are points were a person crosses our path for a few moments and yet affects us greatly. In this, there is no abandonment, because we are all moving towards or away from each other. As our values change, mature and transform, we move away from people who share old values as they continue on their path.

I am aware that the changes I have made move me away from certain places and people. I know these places and people are moving equally away from me as they continue and change on their path. Am I sad about this? Yes. In a way, it is a goodbye. It is also a vibrant, excited hello as there are new people to meet, new places to see, and new skills to learn.

Our past has been shaped through our change and our future will be forged by our decisions that bring on change.

Fallen Angel

Fear of the unknown??

Human nature is to fear the unknown. Few can boldly stride forth into the unknown without feeling some minor anxiety in their hearts that they are treading new ground. Something that is different or new can cause a great deal of anguish for a person. An example, in an abusive relationship, the one being abused fears what the repercussions of being free often sticking with the known evil versus the possible unknown. Being free from an abusive situation poses new struggles. Some of these are learning to provide for oneself, possibly going to school in order to get a better job in the future, finding a place to live, and so forth. In addition a person who comes from an abusive atmosphere is constantly trying to gauge what the people around them are like. Sometimes this results in the person shying away from social interactions or drifting away from people who are harmless, but do not seem harmless in the mind of the person who was abused due to characteristics in similar enough nature to the person (s) that abused them.

From first hand experience, I can say it is hell learning to be apart of society. Making friends is not difficult for me; however, it is a matter of how close I let my friends get before I feel the need to walk away. For the most part, I am doing rather well with this. I have not strayed away from my friends except when I need my space or way too much drama is occurring. It was a hard lesson to learn. It is not easy to learn to trust people when you basic framework of trust has been skewed and twisted. Truth be told, I would trust my friends with my life and about half my heart. The other half of my heart remains locked close to me. It is something I cannot completely give, not possibly will be able to do. I suppose it is a good thing that I was gift with a big heart. (Not physical, but an emotionally caring heart)

So, it is human nature to fear the unknown. In some cases it is really unhealthy. Unhealthy cases would be more on the end of being a recluse and never venturing from home. There are other factors that go into being reclusive, I am just using over generalized examples. Another would be too afraid to seek help because their perception into the unknown is that the answer is going to be a resounding “NO”. Healthy instances are when possibly doing something reckless. What is going to happen if you speed down the highway at 110 miles per hour? That fear of the unknown kicks in to preserve our self and those who might be around us.

Then there are those moments you wish would never end. These are usually comfortable moments where you feel good about where you are or whom you are with or what you are doing. These are also moments where you know whatever is waiting for you on the other side is not good. Is this fear of the unknown? At times yes, at others no; however most of the time it is both. Fear of the unknown comes in the dread. You know something unpleasant is waiting for you, you just don’t know what. You fear getting a concrete answer. On the other hand, a person may simple not want to know. They are content to remain in the moment. They know it is unpleasant, but they don’t want it to affect them until it absolutely has to.

Well, I felt both as Shabbat wound down and out. It wasn’t until after Shabbos that I actually felt the full hit of the emotional upheaval. The last thing I wanted to do was to go home and check my phone. I knew there were going to be messages waiting for me. I didn’t want to know what these messages contained. I worried about the unknown information, but I also just wanted to simply push it off so that it did not spoil and otherwise decent Shabbat. As soon as Shabbat was over, as soon as davening was over, there was no reason to push the unknown off. As much as I did not want to go, I took myself back home and did what I needed to do.

There is a fine balance between pushing something off in for a short time such as the reason to preserve something beautiful like Shabbat and another to just continually push something off. In today’s society more and more of the latter occur. We push things off so much that they are never dealt with, then it comes to ahead and the person explodes emotionally and/or destructively. We have so much we try to balance in so little time that finding the time to deal with the unknown and push ourselves through it to a better place is sometimes impossible. It is healthy to fear the unknown, yet it is not healthy to let it rule over one’s life to the point where a person is crippled by it.

Happy adventuring